Back to my trusty glittergurl-.bs because sometimes it's easier writing my thoughts.

Decisions, choices.

Last night, Jonathan and I had a conversation on the living arrangements after marriage (assuming we get married).

At the back of his head would always be his mother and how he would / may eventually have to move out.

He asked me what my thoughts on this was, and I put it to him simply.

"She is always welcomed to stay, but I would still want to live alone, at least in the initial stages of my marriage."

Jonathan wasn't too happy when I said that.

He said he couldn't bear to leave his mother alone at home.

Then I thought to myself,

"am I being very selfish to want to live 1 - 2 years alone? it's not like I intend to live permanently away, because eventually, we would move back. After we had children I would move back. And if it pleases you, for the rest of our lives, we will live together. Is it very selfish for me to ask for 2 years in the whole 20 over years that I would be willing to live together?"

"I am not even saying "no." but would you in the very same vein "allow" my father / mother to live with us after we got married? The argument that you would raise is that your mother is very old, but I honestly, with all due respect don't think she is old (my mother / father is 5 / 6 years older than your mother). Assuming we got married in 2018, she would be 58 and I personally think a 58 year old is fit enough to live alone. (you can beg to differ). And by the time we move back (two years later) she will be 60. I think it would be filial enough of us if we only move back then (which can you beg to differ again)."

I told Jonathan that Singapore is very small, and it truly is!, and that I'm not trying to uproot him to another state, and that we would visit often.

Then Jonathan said,

"do you know that normally traditional chinese families, the only son stays at home?"

Then I thought to myself,

"no I do not know that 'normally' the only son stays at home. and neither do I want to base my standards on 'normally' because that would just open a can of worms. does your sisters intend to live with their in-laws for good? the last I remembered, they both married only sons. Would your mother want her own daughters to live with their in-laws? because as you said, "normally" they would, why aren't they expected to then?"

"If I am not going to be your priority after marriage then I don't know if I can reconcile that with myself."

Then I said,

"I've had this conversations with my friends before, and even my friends with divorce parents and they being the only son, feel that it is necessary / not unreasonable to live apart. And that it is okay, because Singapore is really small."

Then Jonathan said,

"My relationship with my mother is different."

Then I said,

"I am not asking you to leave your mother!"

Then I thought to myself,

"If you've already decided on something, why do you bother asking what my opinion is? And if I don't agree to it, does it mean that it's one or the other.?"

After the conversation, I felt very perplexed because I tried to rationalise with myself whether I was being selfish or not.

I thought to myself,

Is it because I'm living with you now that I will forever be indebted to your parents? That because I'm living with you now, I am in position to decline when your mother wants to live with us next time? The thought of it suffocated me, and I wanted so badly to move away, but then I would have no where else to go. I hate being obligated to people.

Is it because your father is permanently overseas that you have to assume his role as a husband? I think I may sound selfish, but I don't think I can do that.

I am not asking you to be unfilial or anything, in fact I don't think I'm asking above and beyond what an individual can ask, but am I still deemed to be selfish / not understanding?

If we come down to the situation where we can't reach a compromise, do I have to choose to live with it, or walk away?

When I walk away, will I be able to do it?

I don't ask for a lot in life, but sometimes, I really don't know how much I must compromise.

Am I upset?

Yes, I am.

But how much does it matter to you anyway?